What exactly is grief?
Grief is what someone feels following the loss of a loved one who dies, or other highly personal events such as the loss of a relationship or a job. Grief, unfortunately, is part of the human condition, and it can make people feel really ill. Recent research has also shown that 1 in 10 people who lose a loved one burn out from the combination of grief and work. It is therefore important to give people time to grieve and not ask them immediately: "So when are you coming back to work?"
Timing and symptoms of grief
The grieving process is unique and there is no fixed time period for it, but all people who grieve go through a process where they seek a new balance. They have to adjust to the new situation, and that takes time. According to the Dual Process Model for Dealing with loss by Stroebe and Schut, people spend some of the time dealing with loss and more time dealing with recovery. Provided they do not get lost at one of the two extremes, they discover a new form of balance after a while.
Grief can be linked with a variety of physical and psychological symptoms that may also be visible at work. Almost every person who is grieving suffers from exhaustion, sleeping poorly and loss of appetite. Other common symptoms are:
- lack of concentration, lack of energy;
- strong need for solitude;
- strong emotions (aggression, anxiety, anger, guilt, despair);
- lack of interest, indifference, cynicism;
- passivity, listlessness or the opposite: being hyperactive;
- brooding, sleeping badly;
- stomach ache, digestive issues, chest constriction, headaches, muscle aches;
- symptoms of tension (hyperventilation, palpitations, feelings of anxiety);
- gloom and depression.
Grief and fitness for work
Of course the symptoms listed above have an effect on fitness for work. Research has also shown that the loss of a partner or child cuts very deep: around 70 percent of people who suffered this were not able to function well for a long time, 23 percent burned out, and 14 percent even lost their job. How fit someone is for work will depend on how the mourning process progresses; someone who is focussed on recovery can tackle more, including in terms of work. But at the times when a person is more focussed on the loss, their fitness for work will temporarily fall off.
Why support from you as their manager is so important
As a manager you are excellently qualified to make the working environment of a grieving employee match whatever it is they need. Working can be good for someone who is grieving, and distract them. For as long as a grieving employee is in a downwards spiral, focussing on the loss, you cannot expect them to pick up a new project enthusiastically. By offering the right help at the right time, you keep the worker in the saddle, and prevent them becoming an absentee. The attitude a person had to their work before their loss will also play a role: did they have good colleagues, did they enjoy their work, did they have enough control over their own activities? This helps them to get back to work sooner.
What type of leave applies to grieving?
Someone who grieves may really not be able to work for a while. Sadly, there is no legal right to mourning leave. Directly after a bereavement, employees can take emergency leave (and also short-term carers' leave). This can transition into special leave if your company has this in its terms of employment or if it is defined in the company's collective agreement.
If there is nothing in either the terms of employment or the collective agreement, and the employee is still unable to work, then talk to them to seek a solution together. In doing this, focus on what would help your employee. You can, of course, ask someone to use their annual leave, but that is not really intended for this. It will help if you as a manager can be flexible in dealing with this. Temporarily adjusting their working hours or their workload can also help them recover.
Tips on how to deal with a grieving employee
As a manager, sooner or later, you will have to deal with an employee who has lost a loved one. Receiving support from you as a manager and from colleagues is then extremely important, also to avoid your employee being absent for a lengthy period. Whether leave is right following a bereavement will vary from one person to the next. For one person, work is a welcome distraction, for another, it is a heavy burden. You as manager can make a big difference, by looking closely at how your employee is doing, and offering a suitable solution at the right moment.
Tips
1. Make contact and stay in touch
Most employees who have suffered a bereavement return to work after a week of absence. In the meantime, you have very likely been in touch with them. When they informed you of the death, and later at the cremation or burial, you were probably there. If you can't speak with them personally, then send an email or a card to show your sympathy. Also offer your help for the future. As soon as the person returns to work, you can offer this in practice.
2. Grieving at work due to a bereavement
Only once someone comes back to work will you really be able to see how they are dealing with their loss and whether they are capable of starting work again. Most employees would like to work, even if they are not yet really able to do so. Do not avoid contact with them, even if it may be awkward, instead invite them to come and talk to you.
3. Offer them space
Be a listener, first and foremost. Give them the opportunity to tell their story. Someone who is mourning needs recognition of their grief. So offer space for emotions, show understanding, and don't try to soothe them or minimise it. You cannot have an answer for everything. Make your intentions clear: you want to know how you can help your employee to busy themselves at work. Ask how your employee feels about being back at work, what they need in order to be able to function, and what they would like their colleagues to do. Will they appreciate it if others ask them how they are feeling?
4. Stay engaged
Make sure that you stay engaged with your employee, even after a few weeks or months. Agree that you will talk again after a certain time and schedule the appointments now. Don't just send someone home if they are unable to cope, but agree when and how you will talk again. This way, the employee remains connected to their work, which lowers the barrier to coming back to work.
5. Measures to reduce the employee's workload
If you have doubts about whether the employee can really return to work, offer some help. Measures you can take include:
- temporarily reducing the scope of their work;
- temporarily reducing their working hours;
- an intervention by an (external) professional such as a social worker or grief coach;
- support from a close colleague or a mentor;
- information about the options for taking leave;
- offering a session with the confidential counsellor.
If you find it difficult yourself to deal with a person who is grieving, or to have a discussion about personal matters, then you can ask for help. You could take a training course, or ask if a colleague or a professional can support you in helping a grieving employee. You yourself do not need to have the conversation about managing grief. Quite likely the employee will also prefer talking to an external professional or a closer colleague. So long as your employee feels supported by this, that is what matters. It is always a good idea to ask yourself: am I the right person to have this conversation?
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