Let's imagine you have an employee who is highly self-satisfied with the work that he does and wants a salary increase. As manager, you have a rather different view of the matter. You have absolutely opposing views and cannot reach an agreement. What do you do in this situation? Instead of getting caught in "yes it is, no it isn't" arguments, you can take a look at the situation using the DiSCO model from Alan Seale.
This is a simple model that sets out 4 ways in which we deal with situations: 4 levels of engagement. Depending what level you are on, you are able to look at a problem in a particular way and to deal with it. Gaining some insight into which level you are at can help you to move on out of a deadlock. Here is an explanation of the four levels.
- The drama level: whose fault is it?
If (any of) you are at the drama level of engagement, then you are mainly preoccupied with finding a guilty party. Typical questions that are asked at this level are: "Whose fault is it? How did it happen?" and "How did I get caught up in this?". The disadvantage of looking at the situation in this way is that you are mainly focussed on the past. This does not improve the situation. Quite the opposite, the negative emotions are enhanced and a solution becomes even more remote. - The situation layer: how can we solve this?
If you can see past the drama, you will find yourself in the situation layer. Here, you are able to switch off the emotion and focus on a result. Damage limitation and a solution are your focus. Typical questions here are: "How do we manage the damage as best we can? How do we resolve this as soon as possible?
In the short term, this is often the best way of viewing and taking action. All too often though, the underlying problem is not resolved for the long term. So the chances of it occurring again are high. - The choice layer: who do I choose to be in this situation?
If you are able to move to the third level, the choice layer, then you ask yourself mainly questions like: "Who am I in this situation? What is my role and what happens next? What steps will I choose to move forwards?"
In short, you take ownership of the situation and try to find a constructive way of dealing with the problem. This makes it possible to jointly create a new situation, and to ensure there is lasting change. - The opportunity layer: what do I want to happen now?
In the fourth layer, the opportunity layer, you see opportunities instead of problems. You are focussed on the broader context and see the issues as a means to grow. The problem in this case is just a wake-up call, something is not working (any longer) and wants to change or transform. This means the questions at this layer are: "What do I want to happen now? Where are the opportunities here?"
It should be clear that the choice and opportunity layers are the most constructive, including for the long term. So reflect before your meeting on who you want to be in this situation and what opportunities the situation offers. Ideally, also invite the other party to do the same thing. If that does not work, then you can also start the meeting by describing how you have prepared for it. That way, you lay your cards on the table and make a positive start.
The right mindset, then what?
Once you have the right mindset, the meeting itself remains. Of course, we have plenty of practical tips to give you here too.
Get to work
- Listen more, speak less – Listen to the other person's needs and feelings. Summarise what the other person said, and ask about anything that is not clear to you. Ask open questions, starting with how, what, where, when. And then listen again. Leave all the "why" questions at the door, they are generally not constructive.
- Ask the other person to tell you how you can help – this creates a feeling of acceptance, and also places the responsibility with the other person to explain what you can do. Bonus: it will also probably provoke the same reaction from the other side of the table, which can help you move forward.
- Sit next to each other – Sitting next to each other creates quite a different dynamic from sitting opposite each other. Or leave the meeting room table where it is, and go for walk round the block with a cup of coffee. Try it out and see what a difference that can make.
- Use your body language consciously – Adopt an open position, leaning forwards with your arms open. Look at each other frequently, without staring. Make confirmation noises regularly to let the other person know that you are listening.
- Throw in a joke now and then – laughing relaxes people, humour relativises and a well-chosen punchline can break through a thick layer of ice. Timing is essential here, you don't want to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. As long as you take the other person seriously and yourself a bit less so now and again, you will do well.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Are you by nature someone who avoids conflict and who sees this kind of meeting as a mountain to climb? Training can help you to practise for these kinds of situations, making you feel more confident in yourself.
If you really can't come to a solution with each other, then there are other people who can help you. An HR colleague, company social worker or, for example, a company doctor can be brought in as a neutral meeting attendee (or to lead the meeting). If you involve them, they can help you and the other party to reflect on what is happening and what options are available. Professional mediation is the next step, ask your HR department about what is available.